Operate a 1929 organ where half the stops cipher, the crescendo pedal may trigger the fire alarm, and the blower occasionally burps smoke. Accompany a choir that forgets lyrics mid-verse while glaring at you for daring to play the next measure.

Play unpaid hours at four services a week, run livestream, bake communion bread, and pretend the duct-taped organ is majestic. Previous organist quit after realizing “exposure” is not a valid health benefit.

We need an organist who enjoys dragging rocks uphill: planning anthems for a choir that never rehearses, fixing a tracker action organ with duct tape, and accompanying hymns at four different tempos simultaneously. You’ll be expected to attend every meeting about “the worship experience” led by people who can’t read music. Compensation is “the glory of serving the Lord,” plus $75 a week.